I turned 36 this week and got the best birthday present ever — little flutters in the man cave. They’re fleeting and light, but I’m pretty sure it’s the boys announcing their presence. Pretty soon it’s going to feel like I’m hosting World Cup in there, so I’m going to enjoy these gentler kicks while I can.
To honor my illustrious birth, Matt’s dad, J.P. and his wife, Deva, take us out to dinner at Heritage. Matt knows the owner, so we are treated to a parade of amazing dishes. There’s charcuterie, pimento cheese croquettes, smoked fish dip, roast chicken and grits, pork belly, and chocolate and bourbon dulce de leche. There’s almost an exploding human, too. By the end of the meal, I feel like Gluttony from “Se7en.” I spend the rest of the night clutching a bottle of Tums and moaning like a cow.
In the morning over breakfast, J.P. surprises us with a performance of a song he wrote for the trips called “Why Don’t You Sleep?” It’s crazy sweet. These kids are going to have the world’s best gramps.
And hopefully, the world’s fattest mom. The reigning guide to triplet pregnancy is Dr. Barbara Luke’s When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads. It’s a pretty helpful book, but also a little intense. For example, Dr. Luke wants me to gain 70 lbs by the end of my pregnancy, with 35 of those happening by week 20. My doctor’s appointment last week revealed I had gained only 10 lbs. Pathetic. I can see Dr. Luke shaking her head at me in disappointment.
On the upside, it turns out I don’t have to worry about being relentlessly pursued by model scouts anymore. One morning, as I’m giving Matt a rundown of things we need to get done that day, he interrupts me. “I can’t take orders from you when you look like that,” he says.
I shuffle into the bathroom and take a look. My hair is in a sloppy, frizzed out bun that’s sliding off my head. My eye makeup is camped out on my cheeks. My gut is hanging out of a too-small t-shirt and I’m wearing pajama pants big enough for two. I look like someone put a clown in a blender.
36, man. It’s gonna be ugly.
** Gramps performing his soon-to-be hit single **