How much does Matt love our trips? He loves them so much that he’s willing to audition for commercials where he has to say things like, “Turn pizza night from fun to phenomenal! Just imagine, a one-of-a-kind crust with 16 pockets filled with a blend of five amazing Italian cheeses. The most outrageously cheesy flavor, EVER.”

Matt is not at all stoked about this commercial, but it pays great, so off he goes to the audition feeling both hopeful and shamed. And wouldn’t you know it, he actually lands a part. His character is called “Dad” and he loves pizza. Not too far a stretch. Before the big shoot, Matt has to complete Pizza School where he and the rest of the cast learn how to properly hold, bite, and chew a slice of pizza. The instructor is impressed with Matt’s innate pizza eating skills. “That guy’s got it!” he says to the rest of the class.

The day of the shoot goes smoothly. “Dad” nails his lines. He bites into the 16 pockets of cheese and one-of-a-kind crust, and when the director calls “Cut!” he ejects them from his mouth into a pizza spit bucket. This goes on for an hour, then he’s all done.

Matt comes home with a stomach full of pizza bricks and a bruised and battered soul. Me and the dogs greet him with open arms. Our hero.

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